Anti-Cling and Anti-Cry

By MAGGIE WANG

Two things that are apparently rather common issues with toddlers but have moved to the forefront lately with Sedona:

(1) Separation anxiety

(2) Demand and control boundaries

SEPARATION ANXIETY

Ever since the recently aborted live-in nanny situation, we fully realized that Sedona is going to have some issues adjusting to changes in her life. She is like her parents: a creature of habit. Sedona has her little posse of preferred peeps and doesn't like that tampered with, as we learned in trying to throw her in with the new nanny.

That all said, we were uneasy (and are still not completely comfortable) in deciding that we wanted Sedona adjusted to my West End Tennis Club day-care center. It would give me the opportunity to play more tennis, work out during the day, get a break from the girls when Kevin is out of town -- and most importantly lose this baby fat.

We hyped up gym day care as sister/gym class, where only she and Maven could go and mommies and daddies weren't allowed. (Sedona has other real "classes" already (art class, library class, Mommy & Me class.) She seemed excited about the concept. The first couple of days (Tues/Wed) went largely as expected. She cried when I left and didn't stop until I would get called back in by the caretaker (Marlee or Laura) to comfort her. Despite all the crying Sedona said afterward that she had "fun" and wanted to go back. I think she found all the other kids sort of interesting to observe. So it must not have been that tramautic, right?

I skipped Thursday because Sedona woke up grumpy from her nap. But we weren't about to give up. After the girls went to bed Thursday night (and while I was out for dinner and drinks with my friends), Kevin -- a truly amazing husband and father -- did a bunch of Internet research on techniques to help Sedona deal with these tendencies to cling to us (and sometimes cry when she doesn't get her way).

The techniques proved immediately useful and effective because Sedona did FABULOUSLY on Day 3 (Friday). At the day-care center, I enthusiastically and lovingly told her that I knew she was there in the day-care center, I wasn't going to forget about her and she should have fun there -- and quickly walked out with no hesitation. She cried for about two minutes before just chilling out and observing the other kids in the usual way that she prefers at first. I got to work out a full hour! It was truly refreshing for me and even more uplifting to see her progress!

My little girl is growing up? Well, she is gaining some independence, at least.

DEMAND AND CONTROL BOUNDARIES

When the live-in nanny was here, we had to "rescue" a fearful Sedona so often after everything we tried to get them to connect that she found something that worked for her:

Crying = getting what I want.

Our rather smart daughter increasingly applied this technique to getting held, getting more snacks and basically getting her way.

How did we break her of this pattern? Kevin's research again proved to be a difference-maker.

One thing we began to do was respond to her demand to be held by accepting it, sort of. We ask her if she wants to be held for two seconds or five seconds. Naturally she picks five, and in so doing she feels as if she's getting her way and getting to make a decision, and we hold her for those seconds. Then it's over. No crying, no debate and no extended distraction.

We are also trying not to use the words "don't" and "no," trying not to phrase things in questions if there really is no choice for her and trying to redirect Sedona in a more positive manner. Things are clearly improved. It's not quite an episode of "Supernanny" given how mostly wonderful Sedona already was in our eyes, but it is very good stuff -- and it's just amazing what road we might have continued on if Kevin hadn't been proactive in learning more about how we can gain increased control and just be better parents.

I see such positive change in her, and the growth is definitely exciting for a mother to see.